[Siffrin just nods again into Isabeau's shoulder, eager to move on from the first point. Because it's weird, isn't it? Even after everything, knowing he is loved and blah blah blah, he still shies away from the thought of telling them everything. Would they still look at him the same if they knew everything? He was just a drifter before them, after all – no home, no family, no friends, no goals, no ties to anything or anyone. A person like that sounds suspicious even to him.
Mirabelle had given him a weird look way back when they were still traveling, when he said it was the happiest he'd ever been. Thinking back on it, he'd thought it was because it was an inconsiderate thing of him to say when the journey was something she was forced into under such terrible circumstances. But that wasn't it after all, was it? She'd enjoyed the journey too. It wasn't that it was inconsiderate, but rather that it was just...strange. What kind of person had so little going on in their life that a deadly adventure with a bunch of near-strangers ranked higher on the happiness scale than anything else?
He grimaces at the thought, glad to have Isabeau's shoulder to hide it in.]
It's not...like that, really. I didn't even really notice back then.
[Which doesn't sound great on their part either, ugh. But he doesn't want any of them to feel guilty for trying to be thoughtful.]
I mean, I guess I just take a while to warm up to people anyway? So I was probably kinda avoiding you guys a little too at first, which...is probably what gave you that idea in the first place.
[See? His fault, not theirs.]
I only really noticed because of the loops. Since we kept having the same interactions, I ended up paying more attention and started to notice everyone avoided touching me. And it didn't really bother me at first, just...
[Siffrin frowns, struggling to find the words for it without just rambling. How does he explain the journey from confusion to trying to force small instances of contact so he could get used to it and convey that he's cool with it? The slow swing into despair and self-loathing when nothing ever worked, nothing ever changed, and surely there had to be more to it? Surely it actually meant they all secretly found him repulsive?
Yeah, it sounds insane and neurotic even in his own head.]
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Mirabelle had given him a weird look way back when they were still traveling, when he said it was the happiest he'd ever been. Thinking back on it, he'd thought it was because it was an inconsiderate thing of him to say when the journey was something she was forced into under such terrible circumstances. But that wasn't it after all, was it? She'd enjoyed the journey too. It wasn't that it was inconsiderate, but rather that it was just...strange. What kind of person had so little going on in their life that a deadly adventure with a bunch of near-strangers ranked higher on the happiness scale than anything else?
He grimaces at the thought, glad to have Isabeau's shoulder to hide it in.]
It's not...like that, really. I didn't even really notice back then.
[Which doesn't sound great on their part either, ugh. But he doesn't want any of them to feel guilty for trying to be thoughtful.]
I mean, I guess I just take a while to warm up to people anyway? So I was probably kinda avoiding you guys a little too at first, which...is probably what gave you that idea in the first place.
[See? His fault, not theirs.]
I only really noticed because of the loops. Since we kept having the same interactions, I ended up paying more attention and started to notice everyone avoided touching me. And it didn't really bother me at first, just...
[Siffrin frowns, struggling to find the words for it without just rambling. How does he explain the journey from confusion to trying to force small instances of contact so he could get used to it and convey that he's cool with it? The slow swing into despair and self-loathing when nothing ever worked, nothing ever changed, and surely there had to be more to it? Surely it actually meant they all secretly found him repulsive?
Yeah, it sounds insane and neurotic even in his own head.]